I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
