it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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