Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
