i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
