Who did Billy Mays play for?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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