nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
