he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
