3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
