he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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