my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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