i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
