Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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