Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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