It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
