I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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