Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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