I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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