i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
