Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Randomize
