I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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