I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
