we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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