My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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