After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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