someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
