was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
