Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
