Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
