Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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