I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
