Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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