I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
