he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
