Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
