New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
