just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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