I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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