i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
