shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
