i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
