I am in a vortex of obligation.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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