Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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