nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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