He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i believe in u and ur pee
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
