so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
