I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
