The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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