Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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