I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
