Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
