this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
