I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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