My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
