Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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