Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I checked into jail on foursquare
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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