so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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