No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
